Finger up my vagina: Part I (Pressure cooker)

Sex was not a part of my daily life once. It was a gross thing adults did behind closed doors. It was something I had a very sketchy idea about and was happy to keep it that way. My perception about sex shifted drastically the day I was introduced to porn.

It was during the ‘pressure cooker’ period of my life (from the age of 8-15). A few years after my parents’divorce.

They had both started seeing other people and my desire to have my parents get back together was dying a slow painful death. A neighbour who was earlier a friendly, helpful, uncle, had suddenly started groping me (this would last till I was about 13 years old). Soon the man my mother was seeing moved into our house with us and although he was initially very sweet to me, it seemed as though all the attention my mother gave me, shifted to him. I was told that I was to act mature for I was now a ‘big girl’ but I had no clue what that meant; and was simultaneously treated as a kid. The attention I got from other men in my neighbourhood also shifted drastically. While for some ‘uncles’ I was still a kid and was treated like one, others saw me in a certain way I now know to be a perverted man’s leer.

Soon the sweet man my mother married whom I was learning to live with would turn both physically and emotionally abusive and my father would introduce me to his second wife who was abusive in her own covert ways.

Somewhere during these changes, roughly at the age of 10, I met and befriended a college girl who seemed to understand me a bit. And one day, during a sleepover at her house, she introduced me to porn.

Having no idea how the act of intercourse worked, my mind went for a toss when I saw the male susu (penis) enter a woman’s susu (vagina). While my mind was trying to piece together what I was seeing, my body was feeling things it had never felt earlier. My heart was pounding, cheeks were flushed and there was a tingly feeling in my susu that I had never experienced earlier. The mix of these sensations created a rush in my body that formed a layer over the questions my mind had and the shock I was experiencing.

From that point onwards, I was hooked to porn.

To be continued…

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